I don’t know if this is an apology or an attempt to understand all that happened, by putting the pieces together.

We made a decision to have you. I don’t know if I was prepared to have you. All I know is that it was fairly easy to go through the nine month journey, barring an initial scare. No nausea, no sickness, and I worked literally till the day before your arrived. That part was easy too, you arrived very quickly.

I just could not sleep the day you were born and bear in mind that I’d been awake for most of the two prior nights. You made a lot of noises, even in your sleep, and I was too worried about you to fall asleep. Then we got you home. Papa was home for two weeks. That time was easier. I don’t know why we decided to use cloth diapers but that pretty much kept me up day and night. I did not sleep when you slept. Instead I bathed, ate, cleant, pumped when you slept. I was tired all the time. I felt that I should be helping more with the household chores as granny was tiring out too. But there was just no more time in the day.

I had never heard about over lactation. Too much for you to have and too much discomfort for me. I didn’t know how to manage the immense pain. Why had no one told me. My own sister went through it but she never once mentioned it. There were women at work who went through it, and I discovered all this much later. I’d scoured websites when I was expecting, no mention of it. I actually went back to my obs gynae and she gave a simple advice, pump and discard. But I swear I could raise a twin with what I was discarding.

And then colic hit you just as papa went back to work. You’d cry for hours at a stretch. You’d sleep in my arms but would wake up the moment I put you in bed. I remember carrying you around and rocking you for eight hours one day. Then I called papa and told him that I couldn’t walk anymore, with you in my arms. I’d just fall and hurt us both. He came home as quickly as he could. I wanted to give you a home remedy but was just vehemently opposed by granny. I was asked not to give you medicines for colic for the fear of it becoming a habit. I constantly heard “it never happened to my children”. It made me feel that I’d brought the colic upon you. I feared that you got the dreaded ulcerative colitis from me. Thankfully, your doctor was a very sane and calm chap. No one made me feel as at ease as he did. It went on until you turned 4 months old. I went and stay with Nana for a month. It took both of us to care for you, both Nana and I became sleep deprived. You barely slept. And we barely slept. There were days when both Nana and I wouldn’t even comb our hair. Papa came over to Nana’s place to help on the weekends.

I cried a lot. I hated you a lot and loved you a lot. I hated my life. I shouted at you, when you were just weeks old. Not just once. I felt inadequate, I couldn’t take care of you. I wished that you’d been born to better mom…..

…more when I can write more, without crying.